A quote posted on social media weighed heavy on my heart last week:
“Don’t waste your words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.”
It struck me that the perspective of not wasting words on those who deserve our silence, reflects a haughtiness of attitude that is lightyears away from God’s call to love. In fact, to say nothing at all, effectively denying the worth of the other individual, underscores the chilling observation of Holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel,:
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
The truth is, silence is never golden when love is absent.
Instead, silence combined with the absence of love kills and has great potential for hardening hearts–
yours, mine and the one being ignored.
The problem is not new. The Apostle Paul wrote about conflict in relationships and how Christ’s followers were to handle such:
“We are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves
and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men,
by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love,
we are to grow up in all aspects
into Him who is the head,
even Christ . . . .” Ephesians 4: 14, 15
So what does it mean to speak truth in love? Is it to follow wisdom of Thumper in the classic movie, Bambi?
“If you don’t have anything nice to say,
don’t say anything at all.”
While that may be a sweet notion, God calls His own to go deeper in our relationships . . . much, much deeper.
To speak truth in love is not about niceties. It often requires:
Sacrificial kindness–a willingness to risk being misunderstood for the good of the other.
Speaking truth in love is a process that requires intentionality. The key to working out that process is given us in Ephesians 4:22-25,
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life,
to put off your old self, which is being corrupted
by its deceitful desires . . . and to put on the new self,
created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor . . . .”
Speaking truth in love becomes an art form over time when we remember Christ’s call to us:
“I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life.”
It is when we take our focus off ourselves and look to Christ as Sovereign and Good, that we begin to understand the value of words. It is when we begin to choose our words prayerfully that we will bless our friends, neighbors and even that irritating individual we would otherwise be tempted to ignore.
Yes, relationships ARE hard and and at times even draining. But when we keep Christ’s call in the center of our thinking as we use words to bless others, life becomes an adventure that is interesting and full of meaning.
When you think about relationships and the memories that go with them, what comes to your mind? Being a “glass-half-full” kind of gal (and slightly corny), when I think about relationships and the memories that go with them, I initially think along the lines of Barbra Streisand singing, “The Way We Were”:
“Memories Like the corners of my mind Misty watercolor memories Of the way we were . . . .”
I enjoy remembering childhood summers at Pismo Beach with family and how my dashingly handsome husband watched and waited as my dad guided me down the church aisle 47 years ago. I still cherish the delight that filled my heart the first time I spoke of, “my daughter”, as I walked down the hallway to the hospital nursery to retrieve her.
But if we are honest, life is not full of “misty watercolor memories” because relationships are frequently painful, confusing and confounding. At times we are tempted to isolate ourselves from God and other people to avoid that pain. The problem is that when we do, other pains emerge–loneliness and depression.
One of the things I appreciate about the Bible is how it provides glimpses into the dramatic shift that took place in our relationship with God and with others when sin replaced love in the Garden:
“When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the LORD God walking about in the garden.
So they hid from the LORD God among the trees.
Then the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, ‘I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid.
I was afraid because I was naked.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ the LORD God asked.”
Genesis 3: 8-11 New Living Translation
Casually fellowshipping with God, without the turmoil sin creates is difficult to imagine. But deep down, I believe it is what we long for. From the very beginning God created us for loving relationships. When sin entered the Garden and became the “new normal”, love was lost along with the deep fellowship enjoyed in the Garden. Jesus affirmed this when He responded to a question about what He considered to be the greatestof God’s commandments:
“ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind’. . . . And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
God made us, first and foremost, for a relationship with Him.
Secondarily, He made us for relationships with one another.
Where sin creates chaos and disunion, the basis for meaningful relationships (love) has never changed:
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
I John 4:10
In fact, truly meaningful relationships are rarely formed in a vacuum of pleasantries and ideals. The truth is that the challenges of pain and disappointment in our relationships, when addressed with God’s love and the wisdom of Scripture, provide greater opportunities for spiritual growth than anything we might conjure up for ourselves.
The wisdom and perspective offered in Romans 12 directs us to keep our priorities straight as we relate to others, even when disappointment threatens:
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Verses 10-12)
As we dedicate ourselves to being “joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” we discover the sweeter path to His Hope and Light penetrating even the bitterest of relationships.
But what are we to do with those memories that seem to stalk us, like shadows that grow larger over a distance? The words of the Apostle Paul, written while in a stinking Roman prison cell, lends the sweetness of wisdom that has transformed even the most heinous of memories for two thousand years:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
Feeling defeated by sin and yearning for love? Are you stuck in a prison cell of unforgiveness? Perhaps you have been hurt and feel forgotten? Are you frustrated with life and your relationships? Perhaps you are so filled with regrets that you can see no way of making things right? Then follow the wisdom of Scripture and the law of loving sacrificially by trusting and honoring God in the NOW. Repent of the selfish turmoil that has overtaken you and give thanks to God for His love and mercy extended through the sacrifice of His only Son. As you do, I guarantee that He can and will clean out the sludge of your bitterest memory as you determine to trust and walk in sweet fellowship with Him..
It had been months since Stella* and I had connected, so it was great to meet her for lunch last week. Of course there was a good bit of laughter shared between us, but we also talked about some hard stuff involving what I generally refer to as, the sandpaper people in our lives.
“Sandpaper people?” you may well ask. Sandpaper people are the people in our lives who grate on our nerves by simply walking into the same room we are in. They are often:
People we have to work with– who we might otherwise avoid!
People who irritate us when their views do not align with our own or,
People who fail to live up to our expectations.
On a personal level, the hard thing about sandpaper people
is that they grate on our nerves and frustrate us–
often triggering unkind, sinful responses!
As the exchange between Stella and I continued I wondered, “Lord, is there a better way to deal with the irritation that sandpaper people cause? How would YOU have us deal with such people who bring out the worst in us?”
As I empathized with Stella’s lament, the answer to my question floated into my mind with the unexpected thought, “Put on love . . . .” I tried to brush it away, as if it was a persistent fly buzzing my ear. But as Stella talked about an irritating co-worker, I found myself less able to focus on her words as the answer that began as a whisper grew louder in my mind: “Put on love!”
Finally, I told Stella about my struggle. Thinking the phrase was something the Apostle Paul wrote, I asked her to look it up on her cell phone–I’m helpless when it comes to doing such things! Within minutes she found the phrase in a letter Paul wrote to his friends in Colossians. As I slurped my soup Stella read these words aloud:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive one another
if any of you has a grievance against someone.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
AND OVER ALL THESE VIRTUES PUT ON LOVE,
which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
Oblivious to the activity around us as she read, I remembered how the passage had helped me in the past. I told Stella about how Paul’s words had encouraged me when it reminded me of my identity in Christ:
Chosen . . . holy . . . and dearly loved by God.
I shared how in the past, when struggling with a sandpaper person, Paul’s letter showed me how in Christ we have options to choose from . . . options that do not lead to sin:
Where frustration, anger or bitterness urge a haughty response,
Paul encourages us to put on one of Christ’s robes of
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience
and, yes, even love.
As I have prayerfully confessed my temptation to sin
and given thanks for His love and mercy, His Peace has become my own.
Since our lunch date, I have continued to think about how God blesses us through sandpaper people. When tempted to hate or resent such a person, Jesus urges His own.to love and pray for our enemies!**. When I have obeyed this command, He has lightened the burden in my heart and freed me to avoid the path of bitterness and resentment. Best of all, through this process He has freed me to live for, love and serve Him with an exceedingly glad heart.
This past Palm Sunday I gained a fresh insight that I am still processing:
Not all sandpaper people are negative.
God uses them to mature and draw us closer to Himself. Jesus was (and continues to be)
a sandpaper person to all who encounter Him!
As we remember Christ’s Crucifixion on Friday–demonstrating mans hatred for what we might call, God’s Ultimate Sandpaper Person–we can rejoice in the knowledge that Sunday’s celebration marks the day Redemption was won for all who trust in Him.
No matter what you may be facing in your life, no matter how overwhelmed you may feel . . . you are NOT alone. As Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Sunday approach, be encouraged and learn from Christ’s sacrificial demonstration of “putting on love” for you and for me . . . ❤
Rejoicing in Him–Happy Easter!
All to His Glory!
*Not her real name.
**“”You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbori and hate your enemy.’But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”Matthew 5:43-45b
“I’m sorry . . . I was wrong . . . will you please forgive me?”
It’s called an apology–
an admission of error or discourtesy
accompanied by an expression of regret.*
We practiced this when our children were small, often finding it most helpful to lead by example. To apologize is an outward demonstration of humility, but it does not necessarily reflect what is in the heart.
In the Counseling Room we talk a lot about the importance of humility before God. First Session we almost always turn to Jeremiah 17:5-10 to establish the importance of sorting out who (or what) needs to be the primary motivation behind resolving problems. The passage warns against relying on other people who will ultimately lead us“to a salt land where no one lives,” (verse 6). It then encourages us to trust only in God’s faithfulness. When we get to verses 9-10 the passage warns:
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?’
I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.’”
Not every Client sees it right away, but we talk about the danger of relying on our feelings rather than on God in problem solving. All too often it is as we “follow our hearts” (the counsel of the world) that lead us down destructive paths.
Humility defined: “Freedom from pride or arrogance : the quality or state of being humble–not haughty or assertive.”*
We live in difficult times. With each passing day hatred has become increasingly easy and humility is perceived as weakness. It is our natural bent to want to respond “in kind” to those who offend or hurt us. But Jesus taught His followers to do the opposite:
“You have heard that it was said,
‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you . . . .” Matthew 5:43, 44
For Christians, humility has less to do with who is right or wrong but what is right before God:
To love Him first and foremost and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Luke 10:27) are what should be our primary motivation in how we live out our lives.
Humility is about choosing to trust God as Sovereign, Good and Just. I love the way Romans 12broadens the scope of how we are to put humility and love together as we pray for our enemies::
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge,
my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath,
for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay. . . .’
On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Verses 17-21)
Humility becomes an art form when the mysterious working of God’s Spirit strengthens us to love the unlovely by praying for those who have hurt or disappoint us.
Such humility is revealed by our attitude and actions toward God and others:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3,4
Humility is a God-thing. It is a reflection of the loving sacrifice demonstrated on the Cross by Christ.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
For many years I blamed the modern emphasis on building self-esteem as a major contributor to our cultural rejection of Christian principles. However, I no longer attribute the downward spiral of culture solely to the self-esteem movement. Certainly, our self-centeredness has contributed to our downfall. However, God calls us to have a healthy regard for both our neighbor and ourselves as we remember His call:
“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another . . .
God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,
that He may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” I Peter 5: 5b-7
Only recently have I come to see that, even among many Christians, our problem has more to do with our lack of humility in our dealings with others than with our self-esteem.
So is there a way to stop this downward spiral that threatens to divide us? In the Counseling Room we talk about the strength of biblical humility as it centers on Christ: the key to living and finishing our lives well before God.
The artful working out of biblical humility calls for;:
Prayer, first and foremost, as we confess our need for clarity when hate threatens to consume us.
Reliance on the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit to convict our hearts and direct our steps. (the entirety of Romans 12 provides a helpful perspective.)
Praying for teachable hearts as we seek God’s wisdom and perspective on ourselves and others.
Giving thanks to God that He is in control and His justice will ultimately prevail.
So is there any hope of restoring the lost art of humility? Absolutely! Such beauty shines through when Christ’s own choose to love others as He has loved us–sacrificially. It is the beauty and mystery of His Presence in our lives that will ultimately shine through to touch a hurting world.
It was one of those rare jewels that you tuck away, not so much because of its beauty, but because you recognize its potential.
Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself,
you’re probably sinning.
Switch gears and TALK TO GOD INSTEAD!
My friend Sharon said a missionary friend had sent it to her saying, “it was too rich not to pass on”–and she was right! For almost thirty years I have learned to rejoice in God’s provision of conviction that draws me to repentance and a deeper reliance on Him. In the Counseling Room it has saved many a heart from hardening, as God has reminded each Client to talk to Him more.
When given this jewel, its truth made me chuckle as I remembered a “conversation” I’d entertained earlier in the day:
“I don’t have to put up with that! I should’a said this, and I could’a done that . . .
boy oh man, that was so unfair!”
In a contentious, mean-spirited world, sin comes all too easily. It is tempting to say the growing ugliness that surrounds us is unique. However, I suspect that the times Jesus lived in were no less difficult or dangerous. The point is (humanly speaking), when sinned against, it is difficult to resist responding in kind.
So how can we avoid the trap? Switch Gears!
SWITCH GEARS by:
Confessing the sin that has crept in–whether it came at your own invitation or snuck in there.
Refusing to continue down the path you were on.
Talk to God (pray!) instead by first giving thanks to Him for sending His Son to free you from, “the sin that so easily entangles.” (Hebrews 12:1*)
Switching gears spiritually comes up frequently in the Counseling Room. To begin the process we use what I refer to as, the Triangle Illustration. The Triangle Illustration asks two questions:
Who (or what) is (or was) the major influence over the decision made in a certain situation.
Was God the primary influence? Or was it something (or someone) else?
The local Pregnancy Help Center (was located below my old office) serves as a helpful illustration as to how The Triangle Illustration works:
When a woman who was abortion-minded came to the Center, her Counselors would draw the Triangle Illustration on a white board. She would then write the woman’s name in the bottom right-hand corner, and “unwanted pregnancy” in the bottom left corner. The Counselor would ask the question, “Who (or what) is the major influence in considering aborting your baby?” Whatever the woman said, was written at the top of the triangle. (Many times it was pressure from others, fear or the inconvenience of it.)
Then the Counselor would talk from the perspective of the Scriptures. How before God every life is precious and that ultimately we will be held accountable for out decisions. Just that simple perspective was often enough to help the woman shift gears from having an abortion, to trust God to provide the help she was going to need in making further decisions.
For many years the Triangle Illustration has been a useful tool for my Clients (as well as myself) to keep God as the Ruler over our hearts. In those seasons when such things as hurt, fear, anger, pride or our desire to please others threaten, it gives clarity that has kept such sin from finding its way to the Top.
However justifiable we may believe that placement to have been, allowing anything less than God to influence our hearts is an idol.
Also, God’s call to, “Love thy neighbor” is an impossibility, unless we make loving Him our first priority.
Be encouraged when He calls you through conviction, to trust Him to love others as Christ has loved you. This verse from Proverbs is one that nails the importance of our response to His call each and every day.
“Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”
All to His Glory!
*Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us . . . .”
“Then we will no longer be infants,
tossed back and forth by . . . every wind of teaching
and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.
Instead, SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE,
we will grow to become in every respect
the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:14-15
When the miraculous working of God’s Spirit changes a human heart, it is no less meaningful than when the people of Israel crossed the Red Sea on dry land. Yesterday, I was privileged to witness such a miracle. I share it here to demonstrate the beauty that is possible when truth is spoken in love:
When she walked into my office, there was no hint of the struggle that had been ongoing in her mind and heart for a very long time. I saw relief on her face, as I explained how we would be looking to the Scriptures for the wisdom and perspective needed to help her. She responded by saying that was exactly what she wanted but hadn’t known where to turn. She expressed her fear of receiving counsel that would urge her to follow her heart, knowing how doing so would devastate her family.
As she talked and I began to ask questions, her struggle touched my heart. Married and with children, she confessed her unhappiness . . . her “discontent” that weighed so heavy on her. Though tempted, she expressed her conviction–“In my gut, I know it would be wrong to leave.”
My heart quickened as I remembered a similar time in my life:
Feeling like a complete failure as a wife and mother . . . thinking they wouldn’t miss me, I had prayed: “Lord, help . . . .”
I remember,the deep silence that surrounded me before His voice spoke truth into my heart:
“Kathie, if your critical spirit would get out of the way,
my Holy Spirit would work a lot faster in their hearts and lives.”
In a split second, the pain of truth, spoken by God in love, seared deep within me . . . even as it’s light offered HOPE. It was true, MY critical spirit had been a roadblock in countless ways, but I hadn’t seen it. I thought of the prodigal son* who, “came to his senses”and returned home to the father he had forsaken. In that moment I was both humbled and grateful to God, for opening my eyes to my blindness.
As I told my story, I anxiously watched her countenance, hoping that the truth spoken to me so long ago would minister to her heart. As I watched, her face softened for the first time. She was so absorbed in her thoughts, that she did not look up until after she wrote the words on her notepad–“CRITICAL SPIRIT”. Only then did she look at me with a softened smile and (dare I say it?) a slight glimmer of hope on her face. In that moment I knew that God’s words had pierced her heart and the possibilities to move forward were limitless.
To speak truth in love is a skill that does not come naturally but is worth cultivating:
It involves risk–that of being rejected by the one it is offered to.
It is a God-thing that can only be cultivated by investing quality time with Him.
It is evidence of a mature faith–bent on replacing old ways of relating to others with the love and forgiveness of Jesus.
The Bible talks about “putting off” old ways of thinking and behaving as we “put on” new ways that are pleasing to God. In the Counseling Room we look to Colossians 3 to gain insight into the process;
“Rid yourselves of all such things as these (put off):
anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self
with its practices and have PUT ON the new self,
which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
To put off our old ways of relating to others, the Apostle Paul urges us to check our motives:
Fear of rejection
Saying what others want to hear at the expense of truth,
have no place in how we love others. Instead, Paul encourages us on the basis of our identity in Christ (verse 12) as, “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved . . .” to, “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
Paul says further in verses 13 and 14:
“Bear with each other and forgive. . . forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
So how can you develop spiritual maturity by speaking truth in love?
Keep Christ central in how you respond to others.
Prioritize personal time to be spent in Scripture and prayer to get to know Him better. (The Journey Notes process is an excellent way to do this.)
Join a Bible-teaching church for worship and fellowship with other Christians.
Attend a solid Bible study that will encourage you to go deeper in your faith. (Community Bible Study (CBS) has been a personal encouragement to walking my faith for over 35 years, but there are many others out there.)
Prayerfully watch for ways to honor Christ, by loving and serving others in your community.
Paul affirms this in the rest of the passage:
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,
since as members of one body you were called to peace.
And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly
as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom
through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit,
singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
All to His Glory!
*Luke 15:17, “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!”