Principle #5: Pity vs Compassion–It’s About The Heart

I’m not sure why I decided to call them, Principles, except that calling them such helped make what had been abstract in my mind for so long, more concrete. Over time, what had begun as life lessons in my personal walk, morphed into principles that proved to be helpful in the Counseling Room.  I am passing on the blessings of learning to live life well (despite the pain that inevitably is part of life) as you choose to trust God MORE.  (Special thanks to those of you who have let me know of their help to you. 💜)

These are the first four Principles:

Principle #1: God convicts our hearts to draw us closer to Himself through repentance; He never “guilts” or beats up His kids. 

Principle #2: The Battle is real.  While Satan intends us harm, God uses the hard things for our good–to promote spiritual maturity, as we learn to trust Him more.

Principle #3: Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself, you’re probably sinning.  Switch gears–and TALK TO GOD INSTEAD!

Principle #4: The Bible is not a cookbook meant to fix problems.  The Bible is God’s means of extending Endurance, Encouragement and Hope to the hurting, as well equipping us to do good works. 

And now, the final principle of this series:

It’s a matter of the heart.

Principle #5:  

Resist pity.
Pray about everything.
Act out of the compassion of Christ Jesus.

This last principle has been the most challenging for me to write about.  In fact, after sorting out the difference between pity and compassion, I wondered if I could even continue writing  about it, because I fall so horribly short when it comes to being compassionate!

Thankfully, the Lord reminded me that I had the same struggle when writing about unconditional love: 

Several years ago I struggled with guilt when I said I had forgiven someone but then caught myself entertaining some ugly thoughts about that person. (See Principles 1, 2, and 3)  It wasn’t until I understood that:

While we love the idea of unconditional love (and compassion),
only Jesus can truly love unconditionally (or demonstrate compassion)
from a pure heart.

It was then I understood Jesus’s call in Matthew 11:28-30 was to a DAILY dependance on Him rather than  “For Emergency Use Only”:

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

So what is the difference between pity and compassion?  I found this analysis on DifferenceBetween.net helpful*:

  1. Pity is the feeling of sympathy or sharing in the suffering of another human being or an animal while compassion is the feeling of mercy, empathy, and a desire to help the suffering person or animal.
  2. Pity is an emotion while compassion is both an emotion and a virtue.
  3. Pity can sometimes be tinged with contempt or dislike while compassion is part of love and is therefore free from any negative feelings.”*

It is embarrassing to admit that while I may feel sorry for others–even empathize and pray with them–I am not compassionate the way Jesus was.  Consider some of these examples:

  • When faced with the tears of His dead friend Lazarus’ sister, the Scriptures record simply, “Jesus wept.” and then raised Lazarus from the dead!** 
  • One of my favorites we look to frequently in the Counseling Room is the man who admitted his minimal faith when seeking help for his demon-possessed son–“I believe . . . help me in my unbelief!”  Jesus didn’t tell him to come back when he had his life together . . . He healed his son!
  • Or the story about the woman who had suffered for more than a decade with a medical issue.  Not wanting to bother Him, she thought that if she, “could just touch His clothes,” she would be healed. The passage describes what happened next,

Jesus turned and saw her. “Take courage, daughter,” He said,
“your faith has healed you.” And the woman was cured from that very hour.…”
Matthew 9:21, 22

  • Another passage to learn from is found later in Matthew 20:30-34,

“Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, ‘Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!’

The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, ‘Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!’

Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want Me to do for you?” He asked.

“Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed Him.

Every example demonstrates how compassion was never convenient–it would have been far easier to heal the woman and not speak to her–and required caring that was intentionally applied.  Jesus gifted every need with His attention, even as the rest of the world ignored or turned their backs on them. How was this possible?  Such compassion is NOT of this world.

So if the compassion demonstrated by Christ Jesus is not of this world, what are we to do?  It’s a matter of having Christ in your heart through confession and faith. 

Apply what has been learned from the Five Principles:

  1. Listen for God’s voice in the matter (#1) as you remember the on-going spiritual battle we are in (#2).
  2. Talk to God honestly in your struggle (#3)–thank Him for His Sacrifice on the Cross for you as you confess whatever sin that lurks in your heart.
  3. Give thanks that His Presence in your heart and life will provide the Courage and Strength you would otherwise lack. (#4)
  4. Resist pity as you pray about everything (#5)–there are a zillion “needs” confronting us every day and you and I are not the Savior.  Ask God for sensitivity to His Spirit’s leading as you navigate each day.
  5. Put your love and commitment to Christ into action, as you love others as He has loved you.

“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us
and sent His Son to be the sacrifice for our sins.”

I John4:10

All to His Glory!

*To read the rest of the article on the difference between, pity and compassion– PRESS HERE.
**John 11:35

 

She Was Brave . . . .

Bravery:  a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger without showing fear.
Synonyms: courage, courageousness
WordNet Dictionary

Over a lifetime I have learned that it takes courage and determination to love others well.  My cousin Janie was one of those brave individuals, who sacrificially gave of herself to bless those God put on her path.

Janie went home to be with her Lord on the morning of July 5th.  I wasn’t there but trust she was in much the same frame of mind as when I saw her two weeks before, concerned more for her family than for herself. Reading her obituary yesterday, I was touched by this very apt description of my dear cousin,

“Jane* was a dedicated and caring family woman and teacher,
full of love, pure goodness, generosity, enthusiasm, and the best advice.” 

There is no question that Janie measured up to those wonderful accolades.  But there is another attribute to add, that was foundational to her ability to love and impact the lives of so many: Janie was brave.  This is not to imply that she was never fearful.  It is simply to say, that Janie set aside her fears because she cared about people.  Here’s an early example:

She was brave . . . .

She was brave . . . .

My first clear memory of Janie was playing together on Grandma and Grandpa’s farm–I must have been about five and she would have been seven.  All the grownups were inside that late afternoon, enjoying the simple pleasure of “visiting”.  Outside I remember an undercurrent of competition between us cousins as we dared one another to climb higher and jump off some hay bales stacked to one side of the yard.  Not wanting to be outdone, I remember making my way up to the highest bale and then jumping off.  I hit the ground so hard that my legs buckled and I landed on my bottom.  Momentarily stunned, it was probably the first time I actually saw stars!

Then we made our way out to the pasture where the cows were.  Continuing to test our bravery, we ran around among the cows–until we saw one mean-looking bull standing off to one side.  Suddenly aware of the danger, we ran for our lives and ducked under the fence just in time . . . or so we thought.  When we turned back and looked, there was Bette Jo–no bigger than a peanut–still in the middle of the pasture!  As I looked on–too scared to move–Janie ducked back under the fence, ran to pick up Bette Jo and brought her to safety!  Embarrassed by my fearfulness,  it was then that I knew without a doubt . . . Janie was brave.

Looking back I see this pattern of living courageously throughout Janie’s life: sacrificially stepping in to help others, facing difficulty head-on as she made what were painful but right decisions, encouraging others with her humor and sense of irony.

When I first heard Janie was sick last fall, I messaged her through Facebook.  Fearing the worst, it was several days before I received this response:

“Kathie, what a prayer warrior you are!  
The doctors are amazed that I’m not experiencing more pain than I am,
but I know you’re praying for me–keep it up!”

That was pure Janie–taking the focus off of herself as she encouraged me to continue doing the one thing I could do living so far away–PRAY!  So that is what I (and many, many others) continued to do.

In May my husband and I (taking advantage of his recent retirement) began an adventure we’d talked about doing most of our married life: going to those “off the beaten path” places we never could go to before.  In the back of my mind I hoped to visit Janie when we got to California, but knowing she was so sick I tried not let my hopes get too high.13442057_10208969039816875_678463191_o

God was gracious in providing us the opportunity to get together one last time. As my husband and I approached the home where Janie was being cared for, I was excited but scared.  Deep down I was afraid of what I was going to see–a frail, weak Janie who needed rest far more than she needed to see me.

When I walked through the door and Janie spoke, it was as if we became those two girls looking through the pasture fence.  This time though, Janie urged me to enter into the safety of the pasture with her–the mean bull was long gone and her Shepherd was there!  She beamed as she told me how God was helping her to look for good in every single day (no matter what had taken place) and to leave the bad behind.  When I started to ask about a bad fall the previous month that put her back in the hospital, her eyes widened as she looked at me saying,

“No Kathie, we’re not even going to go there.  I have learned to trust God daily; to count my blessings and leave what happened in the past behind.  I admit that part of me is a little afraid of what may come tomorrow, but I have given that to Him as I give thanks to Him for the Gift of TODAY.”  

Appreciating her wisdom and courage we entered into the joy of the moment.  Our visit of two and a half hours could be likened to the “wild rumpus” of the children’s classic, Where the Wild Things Are.**  We laughed so hard that tears came and talked about many things.  When I asked her how she wanted me to pray for her, Janie got very serious again as she urged me to pray for those she would be leaving behind–“that their hearts would not harden toward God.”  Pure, wonderful Janie . . . putting her concern for those she loved above all else.

Since then I have thought a lot about Janie’s bravery and our “wild rumpus” celebrating God’s goodness together.  Pure and simple, it was a gift from God to be given a glimpse into Janie’s heart.  Something happened that was so much more than magical as Janie chose to live out the wisdom of I Thessalonians 5:16-22,

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all;
hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.”

Reflecting on the larger passage, I am struck by God’s goodness in providing Janie the courage to enter into His Pasture with an open and trusting heart.

“May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.
May your whole spirit, soul and body
be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The one who calls you is faithful, and HE will do it.”

I Thessalonians 5:23, 24

All to His Glory!

*Most people knew her as Jane, but having grown up together as cousins, she has always been Janie to me and most of our family.
**Where the Wild Things Are, written and illustrated by Maurice Sendak, 1963.

Simple Kindness, Prayerfully Applied . . . .

It wasn’t until we lived in England, that I learned there is a difference between niceness and kindness.  As one friend put it, “Kathie, ice cream is ‘nice’, kindness goes deeper.”  Looking at several dictionaries this morning, I found the distinction between the two terms is best understood by considering what is at the root of what niceness and kindness do and do not communicate:

Niceness: Synonyms–befitting, correct, decent, well-bred, proper, polite, respectable, seemly.  Antonyms–improper, inappropriate, incorrect, indecent, indecorous, unbecoming, ungenteel, unseemly

Kindness:  Synonyms–benevolence, courtesy, grace, indulgence, favor, mercy, service.  Antonyms: coldheartedness, hard-heartedness, inhumanity, inhumanness, mercilessness, pitilessness

Niceness can tend to be a bit flashy (i.e. “Look at what I just did!”), kindness is more simply applied as it focuses on the needs of others.  It all boils down to this:

Love is kind . . . .

Love is kind . . . .

Niceness is about outward appearances,
Simple kindness, is often sacrificial as it reflects what is in the heart.
Simple kindness is a fruit of God’s Spirit.
Simple kindness, prayerfully applied, is rooted in God’s love. 
“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 

I Corinthians 13:5

When asked, “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus told a story about two societal “nice guys” and another man, viewed a societal reject in that day, who none-the-less, demonstrated simple kindness:

“A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him  . . . beat him and . . . left him half dead.  A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.  So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.  But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him.  He . . . bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’  (Luke 10:30-35)

Jesus then asked this very important question,

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” (verse 36)

The “expert in the law” responded to Jesus’ question–avoiding even mentioning the word, “Samaritan”–answered,  “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him (and continues to tell us), “Go and do likewise.”  (verse 37)

The Scriptures continue to call you and I to,

GO . . . “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:29),

GO . . . “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”  (Romans 12:10)

GO . . . “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

What I have learned this week as I have thought about kindness is that:

To act in the simple kindness of Christ, does not require a lot of fanfare,
but for it to be truly effective as a fruit of God’s Spirit,
prayer is essential.

In my last post I wrote about the Duggar’s, a Christian family featured on a reality TV program called, Nineteen Kids and Counting.  Normally I would not write about people on a television program, but as I have watched this family be (essentially) ‘beaten and left for dead’ by elements of the societal elite of our day, I have been challenged to think about MY role in their story.  Am I one of the “nice guys” full of self-importance, who says, “Too bad for them”, as I continue on my busy way?  Or, do I stop and apply simple kindness by praying for the family and asking, “God, what would you have me do?”  

How about you?  Are there people or situations that you are aware of, but manage to “pass by on the other side”, because you feel like you cannot take on one more thing?  Perhaps you avoid listening to the news (like I sometimes do) because it is always seems to be so . . . dare I say it? . . . not very nice.  What I am learning is that, although the world is not a nice place to live and sometimes is even scary, simple kindness applies prayer to every situation, looking to Christ for wisdom as to when and how to help.  Simple kindness challenges each one of us to set aside fear, and even our busyness, as we learn what living by faith is truly all about.  

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
Colossians 3:12 & 17

All to His Glory!

Self-Forgetfulness is Sacrificial . . . .

Their mother insists that they are “normal” children who argue and get frustrated with each other as all siblings do.  However, in this in this recording filmed to encourage others in their church, the love of Trenton Cochran for his disabled sister Lindsay is a beautiful example of self-forgetfulness as sacrificial:

In a separate interview their mother added that her children have a deepened appreciation for life and maturity beyond their years because of her battle with breast cancer . . . .

In His teaching about greatness in the kingdom of heaven Jesus taught:

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 
Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” 
Matthew 18:3, 4  

It is right to protect our children, however, we do ourselves and them a disservice when we fail to teach them that all of life is a gift from God.  To be self-forgetful is to honor His example of sacrifice by loving as He has loved us:

“Love is patient, love is kind.   It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking . . . .” 
I Corinthians 13: 4, 5a

All to His Glory!